Us Remains Impossible
by synapsetosynapse
Summary: Your face is all that hasn't changed, You're reassembled just like me. Relearning each other and rebuilding a relationship is a slow process. Future-fic. Rated T for now.
1. Chapter 1

Note: having won the Outstanding Vocal Performance by a Female Soloist award Rachel gets to perform a song for the audience (as well Jesse for winning the male soloist award) before Regionals wraps up. Vocal Adrenaline still won and Quinn went into labor. After the award ceremony the rest of the glee club (minus Mr. Shuester and Finn) went back to the hospital.

Also this is AU from the end of the competition, while the events of the first season remain unchanged I have made Rachel a junior in this story. It will be a future-fic and I need the timeline to fit my storyline.

Although the first chapter may seem like a song fic, it's not. This is meant to be a performance to set up the rest of the story. Also don't expect Finn to stick around for long, Rachel will be safely leaving him behind in Ohio.

P.S. if anyone knows a beta/is willing to be a beta for my story I'd really appreciate it! (Sorry about the formatting, the site won't let me add more breaks) 

**Us Remains Impossible**

Rachel unfurls her hands and lets out a shaky breath as she sits down on the piano stool. She turns to the audience and quickly scans over the faces in the front row where the Choir Directors and leads from all three teams sit. Mr. Shue smiles encouragingly at her as Finn mouths out I love you.

Rachel winches slightly, she has yet to respond to his first declaration, let alone this one – she's unprepared for either of them. Shelby and Jesse sit a few seats away from the smiling pair, and while they also have smiles plastered on their faces (for show, not for her) neither can meet her gaze directly.

Taking a deep breath she places her hands on the ivory keys and begins to play.

_God that was strange to see you again_

_Introduced by a friend of a friend_

_Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'_

_In that instant it started to pour,  
_

Her dulcet tone voice weaves the story for the audience as the words slip from her mouth in a soft whisper. Rachel tenses and her eyes widen, her body reacting as if she truly felt raindrops pelting her shoulders. Allowing the music to permeate and consume her is the only way she knows how to sing – the only way she is willing to sing.

_Captured a taxi despite all the rain_

_We drove in silence across Pont Champlain_

_And all of the time you thought I was sad_

_I was trying to remember your name...  
_

Her fingers skip along the keys as her body gently sways. She turns her face back to the audience, the corners of her mouth lifting into a smirk as she says 'name.'

_This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin_

_Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in  
_

She captures Finn's gaze with a look of steely determination. Confessions of love or not, he'd hurt her more times than she could count. There was only so much Rachel could forgive one person for, and quite honestly Finn has finally met his quota.

_Now you're outside me_

_You see all the beauty_

_Repent all your sins  
_

She quirks her eyebrow as the last word passes her lips scathingly. Finn's face contorts from confusion to horror as realization hits him – oh yes, Rachel Berry knows your all about your tryst Finn Hudson - did he think Santana would keep quiet forever?

Rachel is the first to break the gaze as she her head back towards the piano. She blinks back against the prickling of tears. She will not cry; he's no longer worth the effort.

_It's nothing but time and a face that you lose_

_I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose_

_I'll write you a postcard_

_I'll send you the news_

_From a house down the road from real love...  
_

Head thrown back with soft curls tumbling around her shoulders, the glow of the spotlight warming her body and soul. In this moment she's breathtakingly beautiful – she feels beautiful - as her voice carries the last line high up into the rafters like a prayer.

_Live through this, and you won't look back..._

_Live through this, and you won't look back...  
_

This, she thinks is not real love. High school crushes and indiscretions are not the stuff of epic romances.

Only under the cover of night - as she cocoons herself in a blanket and clutches a pillow to her chest - does she actually allow herself to consider that maybe_ some_ teenage romances are epic. The kinds involving handsome boys in leather jackets with tousled curls and beautiful voices…she'll never admit it out loud.

_Live through this, and you won't look back...  
_

Rachel's felt Jesse's stare through out the entire performance…it burns hotter than the spotlight overhead.

_There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave  
_

Her head turns again to (finally) meet Jesse's stare. This time he looks at her straight on, his green eyes a tempest of emotions - Anguish. Love. Tenderness. Hurt – her brown eyes mirror his.

_You were what I wanted_

_I gave what I gave  
_

She offers up a weak smile.

_I'm not sorry I met you_

_I'm not sorry it's over_

_I'm not sorry there's nothing to save…_

_I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...  
_

She looks away as she finishes up the song. Now his eyes only convey pain and it hurts _her _too much to maintain the connection. Her body buckles slightly. Jesse once said only Sondheim could express his melancholia, Rachel seems to have found her own conduit of sorrowful expression.

As the applause begins she stands and takes a bow. There is no basking in the adoration of the audience this time around. She just smiles – it never quite reaches her eyes – turns on her heels and walks off the stage. Grabbing her bag from the stagehand she mutters a thank you before making her way out to the parking lot and into her father's waiting car.

"I'm done, let's go," she whispers as she buckles up and rests her head against the window. The prickling sensation is back, and this time she doesn't fight back the tears.

"Nothing left to save, there is nothing left to save," she whispers to herself.

As her father drives onto the main road she doesn't bother looking back.

...

The song is Your Ex-lover is dead by Stars (Final Fantasy Mix)


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Alright

I walk through fields that haunt my dreams, this time I fear it's broken me,

I tasted you so brief yet sweet, the morning comes it's choking me,

[Pilate – Alright] 

The sticky scent of ocean salt, perspiration and sun block swept around Jesse's weary form. The hot sun beating down on his shoulders, burning through the layers of SPF40 he's diligently applied every hour since arriving in California. His tousled curls, still damp from a very brief jaunt into the water, frame his crestfallen face. He should be celebrating this moment with his team – another National title, the payoff for all his hard work and sacrifice – not wallowing in heartbreak on some picturesque beach in Santa Monica. 

The rest of Vocal Adrenaline happily lounge closer to shore marinating in the afterglow of victory. Their effervescent satisfaction beaming from their Dakota Stanly sculpted bodies brighter than any show-face they've ever conjured up. 

Jesse lets out an exasperated sigh before falling back onto the terry cloth towel spread out below him. He ignores the sand particles adhering to his overheated skin and attempts to muster up the energy to collect his things and make the trek back to his hotel room.

He hadn't been kidding when he'd confessed his depression to Giselle after the Funk number – he just hadn't mentioned the exact reason for his downtrodden state. It hadn't been New Directions' performance that triggered his melancholia, nor the fact that his own team had never successfully (by Shelby's standards) nailed a funk routine. It was the complete annihilation of his first and only meaningfully romantic relationship that had him under a dark stormy raincloud on a bright sunny beach.

The pressure of Nationals looming on his back and the endless hours of rehearsal and dance practice had allowed little time for reflection on the events of the last few months; but now that the competition was over and he had completed all his VA obligations he was finally able to fall apart.

"Fuck this, I'm going back to the hotel," he mutters as he rolls onto his stomach and uses his arms to push himself up into a plank position. His elbows buckle and he falls back onto the towel with a groan. Every muscle in his body aches and every movement takes more energy than he currently possesses. The urge to curl up in a fetal position and cry is overwhelming.

"St. James get your ass up and stop wallowing," a raven-haired male says as he nudges Jesse in the ribs with his foot. 

"Ow, fuck off Cas!" Jesse says as he rolls onto his side. "What the hell do you want?" 

"I want our fearless leader, note the sarcasm, to get the hell off the ground and join his friends in celebration." 

Jesse stands up slowly and slips on his sandals, "I'm too tired. I think I'm just going to head back to the hotel and start packing." 

"Jess, come on man, you've been avoiding the group ever since the egg-cellent showdown in the parking lot. You've got to get over it, what's done is done…in this case, done Sunnyside up." Cas's blue eyes twinkle and the corners of his mouth lift into a smirk as he watches Jesse's facial expression flicker from exhaustion to rage in seconds. 

"Don't," Jesse shoves the other boy before grabbing his shirt and towel "fucking bring that up _ever _again." Cas stumbles back a few steps and holds his hands up in front of himself. 

"Oookay, Rachel's still a _little bit _of a touchy subject. Good to know," his smirk falters as he looks Jesse in the eyes. The pain his best friend feels flickers behind steely eyes for barely a second but Cas still catches it. "Wanna talk about it?" 

"No, not really," Jesse says as he turns and starts back towards the hotel. Cas watches his friend's weary frame trek through the sand. Once Jesse gets up to the hotel's deck and heads for the entrance Cas turns to gather his own things and makes his own way up to the building. 

Cas knew that barb about Rachel would get a reaction from Jesse he just hadn't expected such a physical one. He'd known Jesse his entire life and never once seen him get violent. Then again he'd also never seen Jesse get so emotionally wound up over a girl. Sure Jesse had had flings prior to meeting Rachel but he had never been truly committed – emotionally or physically – to any of them. 

When Jesse had finally introduced Rachel to Cas, Cas had been shocked by the fondness Jesse obviously felt towards Rachel. For the first time in years Cas saw a glimpse of the Jesse he grew up with, the relaxed Jesse that smiled and sang for pleasure, and not for added points and winning. Being with Rachel made Jesse _fun _again, allowing him a reprieve from the high-strung VA automaton he had morphed into through out high school. 

...

"You know we still have two hours until we actually have to leave for the airport, right?" Cas says as he flops onto the bed closest to the door. He rolls his eyes as Jesse continues to ignore him from the other side of the room. It's been five minutes since Cas came into the room and Jesse still hadn't even looked up at him. 

"This silent treatment thing you have going on right now is incredibly immature. I'm sorry for what I said, I should have known better," he continues as Jesse packs his clothes into the suitcase on the second bed. "You still care about her, I get it…." 

"Cared, I cared about her. Past tense," Jesse cuts him off. "Anyways, it was just a fling, a good acting exercise before…." 

Cas jumps up from the bed and walks over to Jesse, "that's bullshit and you know it. Rachel wasn't one of your stupid acting exercises. You fell for her, Jess. Look at me!" 

Green eyes finally meet blue. "It's okay to _feel _something Jess. It's okay to_ love_, it doesn't make you any more or any less talented," the sincerity of Cas's words reflect in his eyes. He watches as Jesse's façade drops and the hurt and vulnerability Jesse is too proud to acknowledge finally shows. Cas tilts his head slightly and offers up a small smile. 

"If you try to hug me right now, I'll hit you," Jesse says. As sweet as it is that his best friend is trying to comfort him it's starting to creep him out a little. He's always been uncomfortable with displays of affection. 

"You always have to ruin the moment don't you," Cas rolls his eyes before sitting down on Jesse's bed and purposefully knocking over the piles of neatly folded clothes. 

"Fuck off, I just finished those!" Jesse gripes. He's too busy trying to re-pile the clothes he doesn't notice as Cas fishes out two large white envelopes from the bottom of the open suitcase. Two distinct emblems decorate the upper-left-hand corners, but only one envelope has been sealed and stamped. 

"Jesse what the hell is this!" Cas holds up the envelope with the purple torch logo. Confusion turns to anger as Cas takes the papers out of the unsealed envelope and scans the last page. An X marks the "no" box and Jesse's loopy signature confirms the withdrawal of his acceptance to UCLA's class of 2014. A second X and signature confirms his rejection of the full scholarship he had been awarded. 

Cas looks up from the pages and glares at Jesse. 

"What the fuck! You're withdrawing from UCLA, Jesse. When the hell were you going to tell me! We've been planning this since we were kids. You. Me. California. Were you even going to tell me or were you just going to wait until I got to the dorm and found someone else as my roommate!" Cas fumes. 

Jesse has the decency to look ashamed. He's screwed up, he's fully aware of that. California had been the plan since they were old enough to realize getting the hell out of Ohio would be their only chance at happiness and fame. UCLA had been the plan once they'd been old enough to know college was the steppingstone to said fame and happiness. Cas would be the next Scorsese, Jesse the next Gene Kelly or whichever actor he'd currently been obsessed with. Everything was set to go as planned up until the egging. All of a sudden all the sacrifices to get to California didn't seem worth it. Winning Nationals in the sunshine state made it plainly clear that this particular plan had lost all its sparkle. 

"Look Cas, I was going to tell you, I really was. I honestly didn't even know I was going to do this until after we won," Jesse laments. "It's just….I can't….I gave up too much for California. I don't think I can be here without resenting the place. I mean, look at me! We've only been here 2 days and I'm already miserable!" Jesse picks up a shirt and throws it across the room at the door. 

Cas sees the regret on his friend's face, the disappointment and shame Jesse feels at letting down the one person who's stuck by him through everything. Cas knows this isn't a decision that's been made lightly – Jesse's had his future in California planned out since he was 10 years old. Jesse deviating from the plan would have been unfathomable just weeks ago if Cas hadn't started noticing the changes is Jesse's character over the past few months. They were subtle changes, most of the their other friends hadn't even noticed really – nor would they have truly cared. Jesse had become quieter since transferring back to Carmel. The ever present spark is his eyes was just slightly dimmer and every so often he'd get this look on his face – like he'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else. 

"Okay," Cas says softly. "I get it. I just wish you'd talked to me about it. I'm you _best _friend Jess, this is a monumental decision, I should have at least been privy to some of the thought process." 

"I know. I'm sorry," Jesse frowns and looks away. 

Cas looks over at the door, lost in thought for a moment until he spots the white shirt of the floor. "A shirt! Really you're so upset you throw a shirt!" Cas quirks his eyebrow. 

"Oh shut up," Jesse smacks him over the head, "and start packing, I want to get the hell out of here." 

"Whatever," Cas says with a final roll of his eyes before walking across the room to pick up the shirt. "Just remember one thing: while your freezing your ass off in New York in January, I'll be tanning on the beach."

...

I just want to take the time to thank everyone that has read the story and for the lovely review left by some of you. I truly appreciate your comments and thought regarding the story. 

Also, there won't be any Jesse/Rachel interaction for a couple of chapters, at least not verbally. I sat down and plotted out the story plus most of the future chapters before writing this one, so future updates shouldn't take as long as this one has. 

Jesse may seem a little out of character, but his an admittedly overly dramatic teen with a broken heart. I like to think that he would relish wallowing for a bit.


End file.
